Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.

[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?

Dr: You have palpitations

Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?

Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA

Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]

Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts

I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.

Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game

#titanic

If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.

ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”

DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”

Friend: How’s the new job?

Me: Can’t complain

Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?

Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain

If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.

I’m up at 5 am, knocking things off my to do list before half of you are even awake. Get on my level

Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way

*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*

*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*

my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed

Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal

Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!

Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.

Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…

Her: Do we have any chicken stock?

Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.

At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.

Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.

Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…

Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].

Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.

inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”

This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad

Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!

Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.

[First date]

Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.

Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount

I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.

The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.