Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.

My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?

As per my previous tablet…

Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.

Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.

And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.

Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.

There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.

anyone else like Italian cereal

“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.

say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets

[at Doctor’s office]

“When’s the last time you had sex?”

Last night.

“With a male or female?”

Oh…with another person?

I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.

My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.

“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”

Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.

Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.

Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?

Siri: I’m not sure I understand

I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.

I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.

The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room

The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.

Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?

If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”

I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years

wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes

Here’s a picture of the beautiful bonsai that died right after I got it. Ah, too bad but at least I’ve got this great picture of it. Picture, where’s the picture? Fuck!

There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.

And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking

me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind

Oh no, a login from a new device? And that device is my phone? My one and only phone that I and I alone use to log in several times every single day? And the geographical location is my *house*, you say? Thank you so much for warning me I will contact interpol