[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
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When you pick your nose after dusting the house
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.