[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
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I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
my friend told me he couldn’t hang out because he ate a handful of fruit snacks and I was like “um ok glucose queen go off” and then he was like “my mom was visiting and she combined my THC gummies and my melatonin gummies with my fruit snacks and I don’t know what I just ate”
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
Just found $27 in my washing machine, it’s a bad day to be an Applebees happy hour
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
The sandwich I made for lunch didn’t even make it until 10am.
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
canadian assassins are called killergrams