[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
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I FELL ASLEEP AND TOOK A NAP A COUPLE YEARS AGO AND SLEPT THROUGH JAN 6TH. I FELL ASLEEP A COUPLE DAYS AGO AND MISSED TRUMP GETTING SHOT. I JUST TOOK MY FIRST AFTERNOON NAP IN A BIT AND NOW THIS?
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
menswear guy has entire hockey teams begging him for mercy
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
I didn’t really feel old until my doctor hit me with the “at your age…”
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
found my next D&D character name
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
Are you a cat person or a person person?
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
It’s okay to have a favorite child, especially if one of your kids is great at baking.