Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.

*on a first date*

Me: I’m in financ-

Her: oh finance that’s cool

Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt

her: there’s a spider in the bath

me: ok I’ll get him a little towel

It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away

[text]

H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?

M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.

i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili

My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer

I think about this cartoon a lot.

My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same

Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”

Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine

Me: That took guts, LOL

Patient: Who is that guy?

Surgeon: I thought you knew him

WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door

ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?

Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin

Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.

If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all

new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge

Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”

Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”

Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?

Antique dealer: …What?

Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.

My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.

So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.

If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.

Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me

Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-

Me: *glares*

Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.

*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”

My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.

BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.

No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway

The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it

Candles never taste the way they smell

dentist: open up

me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-

dentist: i meant your mouth

hygienist: wait let him finish Glen

50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.

When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.