Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.

son: school just got canceled

me: oh shit what did it do

You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself

one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops

[on first date]

Let me get that for you.

*holds door open*

“May I help you, sir?”

Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…

Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”

ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”

INTERVIEWER: you’re fired

ME: you haven’t even hired me yet

INTERVIEWER: you’re fired

“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”

Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza

The best years of my life were ages 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, and 31.

I was in my prime.

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’

“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink

“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”

I wouldn’t describe myself as an “adult”, per se. More like a “long child”.

What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?

I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.

Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.

“How do you do, fellow birds?”

coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator

We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.

I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.

ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?

BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else

My wife has us watching so many crime documentaries, I swear I’ve seen a drone shot of every small-town water tower in America.

[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha

If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.

Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.

Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy

Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}

M: Nearly done now

C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}

M: All finished

C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}

M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles

If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting

I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.

People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.

stirring up shit at the wedding by going up to random people and saying “i think it’s so brave that you’re here”