[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
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‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
Got 7yo a cellular device so he could make emergency calls.
Yesterday’s emergency call: 4yo won’t eat her shrimp after I said she had to and he wanted to make sure I knew. 🍤
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
He is just living hist best little life 😊
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.