[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
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Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
Bit strange that the same culture is responsible for both kissing and onion soup. You’d think they’d be incompatible.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?