[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
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Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
Oh yeah that’s it
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.