Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier

Our new dryer has a “Less Dry” setting for when I want to put on damp clothes I guess.

I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.

You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.

( *Runs out of toilet paper* )

[aliens talking]

“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”

I recently took a pole

And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed

Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”

Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..

I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money

How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)

You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.

[moving her panties to the side]

HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.

relationship tips:

– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?

Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.

If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.

I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.

I ate a bag of Doritos and immediately followed it with half a giant bag of gummy bears and surprisingly enough I do not feel good now

Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.

You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.

The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.

Give us this day our daily internet validation

phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?

me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box

“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.

in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape

[anniversary dinner]

HER: tell me something that will make my heart race

ME: my credit card got declined

I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:

Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1

Jesus: one of you will betray me

Judas: *surprised pikachu face*

[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident

hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.

Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.

He runs Facebook.