Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.

How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?

[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?

Restaurant toilets are dangerous!

So many of my dates have gone to use them and vanished!

I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster

My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.

Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.

You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.

I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.

This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.

My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this

My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.

Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance

I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window

The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.

Pretty disappointed in them ever since though

If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.

A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.

8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it

Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.

Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.

One more Forever that didn’t last.

Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.

White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it

Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.

Explain yourselves.

*Runs 6 miles*

*Adds Kenyan to resume*

Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”

I bought wings for my employees today and one of them ate 20 wings and then resigned 20 minutes later. Fair play

A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”

Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!