Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.

Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking

Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.

John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*

Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.

I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.

My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.

No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.

Save money by accidentally forgetting your wallet at home. Follow me for more financial tips and tricks.

37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.

i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”

parenting is not for the faint of heart

Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money

Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did

The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.

They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.

Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!

9: But I didn’t

Me: Not now but it could have hit him

9: But it didn’t

Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt

9: But he didn’t

Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)

If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae

me: *chopping onions*

wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?

me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda

Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you

What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.

Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.

Her: Tell me…

Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?

My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.

My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.

wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?

LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl

CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*

A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.

*Calling from the bakery

Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”

Her: “Surprise me!”

Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”

THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.