Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor

“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily

My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.

What a cute baby, what’s her name?

“Ethel”

She’s gonna make a great grandmother

12: My favorite band is Green Day

Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?

Me: Clifford’s cousin

“As an outsider, what’s your view on intelligence?”

*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*

Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]

Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]

Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?

13-year-old: Not that I remember.

Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?

13: I’d rather not.

Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.

Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons

I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.

stranger: is this snake poisonous?

us: nah fam,

stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*

us: it’s venomous tho

[saying goodnight in French]

me: bon nuit

autocorrect: bone unit

No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.

woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy

also me: lady i’m doing my best

Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.

*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*

Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”

If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)

God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.

okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?

Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”

I still have no idea when to iron that thing.

Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it

Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes

if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito

Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.

My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon

They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.

Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.