[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
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Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
🤣could you imagine
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
I gave up going to work for lent.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.