Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….

My wife just randomly put on a Gregorian Monks CD and started flicking through a magazine, which made me feel a bit uneasy. I never leaf anything to chants.

The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away

No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?

The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.

003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?

– 4 Non Bonds

The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold

Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”

I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.

Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around

Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*

Me: THAT’S IT

Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.

Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.

The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.

canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care

“Sheer Arrogance”

I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?

Whore it is.

A horror story:

You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.

That’s it that’s the whole story.

I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself

[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi

today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore

I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.

Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.

The Golden Globe goes to…

Burrito

… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.

Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics

Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!

Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.

The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity

[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]

11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.

Me: What class is this for?

11: I haven’t started yet.

Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?

Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.

“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”