Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…

[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office

Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.

Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.

Me: I didn’t say he was interested

Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?

Wife: get a babysitter.

Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!

The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding

Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.

whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong

Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on

Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.

We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.

why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”

Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.

Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.

AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!

ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.

AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.

MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-

ME: *slams on brakes*

Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.

Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*

Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.

Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.

the fridge is too full so now i’m stuck here drinking all the wine

It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.

if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again

Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.

twitter: Canadians are so nice

Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap

When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’

*Adorns new baby with:

Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*

They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!

Yes my dude

Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.

4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.