Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans

Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*

Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*

H: What is that you’re having for lunch?

Me: fruit salad

H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.

Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*

It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.

Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”

10yo: “A phone what?”

Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.

Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.

I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?

I call my toilet “Jim”…

It sounds much better when I announce “I’m going to the Jim” every morning.

Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?

M: No, they’re never about people I know.

*writes another tweet about him*

Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.

My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!

Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.

It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.

Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.

I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB

pain

Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.

Which demographic buys the most barbies?

Australian fathers

I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.

A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.

ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!

HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date

ME: kill?

HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect

ME: we are talking out loud

guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom

How are they running out of oxygen if they’re breathing it right back into the submarine

Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.

turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―

People at work: you’re hilarious,man

Family: you’re really funny

Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know

Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job

Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.

A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.

Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*

I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”