Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.

when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready

Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat

None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.

What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words

Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.

Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.

Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.

You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.

INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.

if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business

Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.

Their Arch enemy, you might say.

Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.

6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.

Me: I don’t like your tone.

6: What does “tone” mean?

Me: I don’t like your voice.

6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.

Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon

Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though

Me: What’s Animal Crossing?

I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.

[orders pizza]

Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?

Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.

I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.

This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.

Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides

Me: Can I use it for my socials?

Mugshot Photographer: No.

A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.

ashley: hey

ashleigh: heigh

Me: *sings bedtime song*

4: I like that song

Me: *Sing song again*

4: I didn’t say I wanted it again

Me: *Stops singing song*

4: Why did you stop singing

Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*

I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.

Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else

Me: I love all the letters equally

Me: I said you can’t eat candy.

4-year-old: I’m not eating it.

Me: I see it in your mouth.

4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.

My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO

Seductively rubs salt in your wound.