Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.

And that is why she will always be my favourite child.

The best years of my life were ages 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, and 31.

I was in my prime.

Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”

Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?

him: it’s what’s inside that counts

me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?

doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on

[Job interview]

“How would you describe yourself?”

“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”

“Anything else?”

“Over-literal sometimes.”

Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”

michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe

I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.

What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.

If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling

Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.

Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.

[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone

Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May

Management discussing if there are beneficial ways to use Artificial Intelligence in the library’s operations. I suggested we try experimenting with the real stuff first.

I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.

Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.

I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…

Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.

Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.

Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.

Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.

Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.

Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.

“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.

me:[drinking from a human skull]

him: is that full of blood?

me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.

“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”

Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.

My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.

[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*

dead inside