Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth

why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford

Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap

*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*

Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*

Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.

Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.

Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?

Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in

Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.

If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.

[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present

Cop: You ARE the lawyer

Me: So where’s my present?!

I’m not racist. White people scare me too.

Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant

If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.

my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.

My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.

Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.

Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.

[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher

A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.

[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]

“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”

Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied

To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.

“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.

How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now

ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]

DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!

snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me

me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—

snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*

ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others

me: thats not me

Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you

me: nah thats not me

ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him

Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.

Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.