Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They have creatures Noah didn’t bring into his ark. It’s a no

Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.

The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired

Him: Don’t make this weird.

Me: Then why am I even here?

I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.

dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician

me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one

customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon

me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member

feeling melancholy. think I’ll have a drink and make things much worse

NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE

I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.

me: what is it boy?

my stomach: brrrggfkppr

me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?

my stomach: hrrrbbb

me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?

I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.

just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”

She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.

The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.

To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.

I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof

There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.

mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates

I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.

me: this hotel is $100 per night?

clerk: that’s right

me: how much for just one room

But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…

Spring of Deception

I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.

When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.

I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.

[on my deathbed]

“Grandchildren…great-grandchildren. I want to give you the best advice I can offer from a life well-lived. Don’t read the comments.”

*dies*

me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…

Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended