Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I grew up in a time where your mother’s saliva was the most powerful cleaning agent around.

Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.

“Choose password”
> 123bob

“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones

“OK”

[during sex]

her: call me names

me: george

employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears

My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.

Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price

My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.

I tried to pay with cash today, and the kid at the register looked at me like I was showing him a magic trick.

*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*

Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?

What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?

guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp

We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter

My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.

Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.

“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”

Commas can make a world of difference…

“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf

*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER

[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.

hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall

Cops should stop the use of dogs.

There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.

No one would mess with a police bear.

Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.

I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

I’m in a High Occupancy lane

Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?

Yeah I’m HIGH lol

Cop: My bad, free to go

*Runs 6 miles*

*Adds Kenyan to resume*

I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.

Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.

Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart