[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
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ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.