[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
You Might Also Like
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
I was out on a walk when I saw a sign that said, “Man wanted for robbery.”
So I went in and applied for the job.
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.