[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
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Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Alright hear me out: gigs in the morning. 8am doors, 9am showtime. Coffee at the bar. Church shouldn’t get to corner the market on morning entertainment anymore.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
I put the hot in psychotic.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys