[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
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The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
didn’t even know there was an election going on. as a registered voter in the state of pennsylvania, i wish someone could text me 12-15 times a day in an increasingly desperate tone about this upcoming event, which i had forgotten about
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”