[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
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You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
“No problem at all, the food was delicious in the end, thank you, well worth the wait!”
Translation: I won’t be coming to this restaurant again.
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
If you work at a library and a barber shop you’re a barbarian
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears