Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.

[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”

[Funeral]

Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”

Widow: “Please do”

Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”

Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”

My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer

I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.

sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica

Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.

this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.

when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement

Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!

[after sex]
her: you were really loud

me: *putting down my trombone* yep

no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again

Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?

Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome

“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…

Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”

Me – “No sir, they are my children.”

Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”

Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”

Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”

the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter

hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like

therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?

me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?

therapist:
No.

me:
….Knives?

therapist:
Forget I asked.

I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political

Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is

Hockey would be better if the players had to write a short essay about what they did wrong before they could leave the penalty box.

date: what music do you listen to?
me: oh, uhh you know. crosby, stills. (1 hour later) nash. (sending her a text message the next day) and young

Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.

[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”

If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.

I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument

Me: This spaghetti is spicy.

Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel

Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.

My neighbor is PISSED.

My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.

*purges outlook inbox

weigh me now