Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.

I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk

It’s a gift

[Going through customs]

Anything to declare, sir?

1…2…

Sir, what are you–

3…4…I declare a thumb war!

Oh bring it on

*misses flight*

My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.

Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.

I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.

ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard

HER: what mask

ME: oh

I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason

It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.

“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”

I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.

You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body

The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon

me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no

[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right away

Security Guard: take the escalator

Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW

I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF

Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.

I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.

Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?

Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.

Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?

I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough

it’s time for some pepper spray

-me, in a crowded elevator

Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea

Patient: what? I don’t understand

Me (starts slow clap)

😂

There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.

Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since

this is funnier than any friends episode

Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.

Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.

My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.