Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”

I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.

I’m in your fridge late at night like this!

Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.

oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun

WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom

HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?

WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.

[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni

A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”

That seems sus.

I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.

My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today

Bill is short for Billiam

I. FORGOT.

I. FORGOT.

Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything

My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone

Most people quit when their ahead

Then there’s me

Hi

***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.

journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?

me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]

I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.

When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.

My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.

HR says I have to stop switching people’s vapes with kazoos.

Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.

i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that

date: I’m an expert in volcanology

me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?

Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”

*crunching sounds*

Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]

[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”

“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”

Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.

[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No

[dollar store orientation]

trainer: and how much does this cost?

me: um, a dollar?

trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day