[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
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Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
Google Maps should start screaming the more wrong turns you make
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
GUY WHO NORMALLY APPLAUDS WHEN THE PLANE LANDS RIGHT BEFORE THE PILOT CRASHES INTO A MOUNTAIN: boo
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
My daughter has been super nice lately and encouraging me to take naps so I can rest and I just discovered that while I’ve been doing that she’s been slowly decimating my secret candy stash
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
Me: I’m feeling my age today.
Son: Really? I thought the senses dulled during the late stages of life.
Me: Your sister is my favorite.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf