(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
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*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
this sign has the same social anxiety i have
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
So rude to come up with solutions to my excuses
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
The difference between a songbird and a hummingbird is that one of them knows the lyrics.
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve