Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters

pilot: we’re about to crash

passengers: OMG

pilot: this wedding

passengers: phew

pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church

*Dresses up as a large butter knife

Im a super spreader

People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.

midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potential

technology:

Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.

Jeff Bezos this morning:

“Alexa, end my marriage”

Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.

I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.

Hell hath no fury like a woman.

Oh? That’s not the entire expression?

no one likes gloating

My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is

I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.

Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.

I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.

[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale

If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.

I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home

[MOM GROUP CHATS]

Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.

[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍

me: I always sleep naked

flight attendant: no

Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!

I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone

In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.

When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.

[packing for work trip]

“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”

Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.

“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.

[interviewing babysitter]

me: how much do you charge?

ipad:

The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.