(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
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I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
channeling her this year
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.