(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
You Might Also Like
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
Sometimes I’ll buy one of those really big bags of posh Tyrells Crisps and think “why, this amount of crisps will last me three, maybe four days?”. But then I will sit down with the big bag of crisps, and I will enter into what might medically be referred to as a “crisp trance”.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
Telling the server about the dead bug in your salad seems like a good idea until you see the protein up-charge on your bill.
If there’s no open mouth cougher on the plane they hold the flight until they can find one
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood