[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
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They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”