Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast

*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*

ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay

TAXI DRIVER: Again, no

BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard

fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired

“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.

“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.

Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.

Just be glad I don’t have kids.

Carpenter Ants: Very industrious

Army Ants: Extra militant

Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes

I’m in such a great mood today

Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute

Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.

[on a first date]

Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement

THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?

THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.

[Biblical Times]

God: oh shit

Angel: what?

God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button

Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold

Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.

put goat milk on the menu, everyone cheers
put goat juice on the menu, you get a visit from the health inspector
what’s that about

[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel tower

me: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before

What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.

you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time

WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days

Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks

bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products

I have a firm understanding of basic math.

Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.

me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is

Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.

i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile

Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.

Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.

Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.

ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.

ARRESTING OFFICER: No.