[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
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“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok