[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
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When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
what do you want
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
pls suprot
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”