[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
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The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
my sentiments exactly
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
I’m surprised to learn very few people wash their undies in the kitchen sink
Anyhow HR wants to have another “chat”
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
Going to look at the small picture for a while. Tired of seeing the big picture. Too much picture.
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
they say humans share 50% of their DNA with the banana. for some of you i think that number is even higher
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
so logan paul and jake paul are different people?