[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
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*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
So I was in a shoe store this morning and was trying on a shoe.
I said to the assistant: “It’s too tight”.
She said: “Try it with the tongue out”,
I said: “It’th nho ghood, it’th thtill thoo thight!”
The problem with spices is sometimes they are not what you want, what you really really want…
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
Being a goldfish must be brilliant. Every six seconds you’re pleasantly surprised to find that you live in a castle.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
