[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
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“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it