[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
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Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend