[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
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How dare you just go on the internet and make a post specifically about you and your situation. Don’t you know other people have situations????
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
What do you do for a living?
I’m a spy !
Why are you dressed like a shepherd?
I’m a shepherds spy !
Loan Officer: And the reason for the loan?
Me: I need printer ink.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
[first day as assassin]
mob boss: we need you to take care of someone
me: *spends next 25 years feeding & clothing a chap called dutch tony*
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
Needing to stretch is so funny. Your body is like “ughhhh make me longer!”
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
woman protagonist, written by a man: i looked in the mirror. i wasn’t beautiful. but i was fine with that. my hair is brown, and i am 35. but i wont let that kill me
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue