[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
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How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer