[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
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I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
If you turn it upside down, a pyramid scheme works out nicely for everyone except the one guy at the bottom.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.