Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.

Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.

[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.

Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”

and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.

but they meant Will and Kate ☠️

Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.

This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.

Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure

Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?

don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo

You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.

I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.

Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.

A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”

*jogging*

Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up

Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*

talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does

girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week

My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”

I can’t stop thinking about this shirt

Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.

I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.

Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours

cats:

turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU

(gathered around the campfire, 1876)

Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon

I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean

Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.

Oh yeah that’s it

Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.

My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.

Destined to be a firefighter from birth.

The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.

me: *emerging from a ten year coma*

dad: well look who finally got up