Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“We could do that, or…”

Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.

do you think my neighbors will mind if i make their outside xmas decorations look better

Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.

My Mom: you just have to poop.

*cop throws the book at me*

*I throw it back at him*

Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*

friend: look how big my new plant is getting!

me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has

[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.

Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”

If she says yes, you can sit where she was.

We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.

WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house

ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why

Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.

Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot

I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.

Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack

Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs

Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome

I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey

After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.

If they can make a nuclear reactor small enough to power a submarine, why can’t they make one for my house

me and the Superbowl rn

I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good

I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?

Me: *smiling from ear to ear*

Plastic surgeon: My bad.

friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?

me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up

Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.

Breaking news:

if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England

Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…

Not today Satan.

Not today.

[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]

Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are

fun fact: nike is short for nichael

I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary

Cleaning your kids room will piss you off cause why is my Air Fryer in here.

Before countdowns were invented:

*6:30 at Chili’s*

Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?