Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”

a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?

I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.

Son: moms and aunts are sisters, right?

Me: Yes

S: Then why do aunts show up with Lego sets, cookie cake and Roblox gift cards, and moms just cook healthy meals and say no?

Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?

saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me

When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.

Today I’m going to give it my almost

If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.

Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?

Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…

Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.

[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?

Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.

if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka

So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…

“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”

-Marilyn Monroe

Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”

To which I replied: “a camera.”

The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.

Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up

The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.

when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy

My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?

My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.

BIL: Which one is the black one?

10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*

Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.

job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness

me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage

The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.

My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?

Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.

Joseph: 3 minutes BC

Mary: Aaarghhhhhh

Joseph: 2 minutes BC

Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!

Joseph: 1 minute BC

Mary: JESUS CHRIST

“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow

Weighing myself:

“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”

“Okay, best of 3”