Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”

“I took care of your clown problem.”

🤣🤣🤣🤣

I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone

I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.

Pilgrim: What the hell is that?

Native American: Don’t ask us. We thought you brought it.

– The first green bean casserole.

[spelling bee]

your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’

“can you use it in a sentence?”

yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’

Shaved my legs today

RIP drain

The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..

“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs

[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there

Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.

“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”

–a nice waiter or a bad mortician

I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*

One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.

The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.

When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.

Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.

‘god is not a potato’ is one of those phrases that is going to live rent free in my head forever. and i’m not mad about it

[at restaurant]

me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.

waiter: what can i get you?

me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh

Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.

I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today

You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.

If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍

No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.

I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator

Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.

One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”

Received dm of the day

No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.

Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.

Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?

Her:

Me:

Her: Sure, let’s go with that.