Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]

That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

Tween and me: *arguing*

Husband: God, you two are just like each other.

Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?

Husband: *jumps out window*

He challenged me to eat just one chip.

So I had two. Dozen.

Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.

My nephew once asked if I went to school back when things were still in black and white and my other nephew said to me “see, this is why i’m your favourite”

You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.

Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.

invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book

COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.

ME: You mean, don’t take?

COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.

my boyfriend has made me vow to not be annoying at the bob dylan concert i don’t want to go to

4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy

4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately

I don’t believe him.

LinkedIn just texted me that people are looking at my profile. That feels ominous.

Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!

Thought I’d try one:

18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: No

Wasn’t that adorable?!

I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you

Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?

I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor

CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie

AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?

CANADIAN: What’s that about?

AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank

Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.

me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175

My birthstone is a marshmallow.

°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec

Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!

Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.

Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now

Renewed my membership this morning

Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?

You know what they say about a guy with big hands?

He can carry more cheeseburgers.

Funny because it’s true. 🤣

Wife: why are you smiling?

[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]

Me: I was thinking about you.