Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’ve recently come into some money.”

*winks and hands over the few dollars I made at my garage sale to the bank teller to deposit into my account*

It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.

PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?

*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*

her: i’m leaving you

me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands

her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing

me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance

Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.

It might have been meant for a really small family.

This billboard speaks to me

I’ve started listening to audiobooks and I have to say it’s much easier than listening to physical books.

I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso

Don’t forget to set several alarms the first day of school so you remember to pick up the kids

Stages of going to bed:

1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.

Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.

Husband: But you just woke up.

Me: Exactly.

“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*

where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.

what do you want

It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.

ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you

ALEXA: he’s right kids relax

How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.

If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.

Jesus loves me. This I know.

For my neighbor told me so.

Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.

I’m flattered…but straight.

I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time

At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids

I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.

New trend:

“Haunting”

It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.

Literally! 🤣 #dogs

[on a farm]

Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do that

Farmer: Go ahead!

Me: *stands next to a bucket*

Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.

“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.

Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.

If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.

i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”

[during fight]

him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.