[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
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Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
I slept like a baby, knowing I’m a burden to everyone around me
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
Always a housemaid, never a house.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
What goes “ooooooooo”?
A cow with no lips.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
DADDY! You said the S word.
With Bull in front of it.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*