Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jeff: I’m from New Jersey

Geoff: I’m from New Georsey

Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.

I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.

Nothing infuriates me more than when I’m on my phone and something wants me to scan a QR code. With what Jan? With. What.

If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.

When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.

I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator

DINOSAUR PARTY

TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-Rex

T-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.

I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.

Yes, that’s a waffle maker. Yes, I know this is a gym. No, you cannot have a homemade waffle.

they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane

What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score

ME: They call me Mr Universe

DATE: You workout?

ME: I’m constantly expanding

My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.

Her: Undress me with your words…

Me: I saw a spider in your bra.

I’m at the age where I can remember things that never happened.

If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.

Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.

Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.

Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York

Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*

Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”

Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.

I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.

cave of wonders: only one may enter here

aladdin: abu has to wait outside?

cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count

abu: *steals*

cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT

My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.

Every family has a crazy aunt.

Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.

The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.

Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.

Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?

When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.