Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.

If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.

Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids

A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.

Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.

I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.

Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.

6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.

Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.

My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.

@ candidates for local office

I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.

I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.

asked my bf how work was today

*walks into a room full of people*

*looks around*

*answers fake phone call*

*leaves*

Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten

My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.

I asked him how he was coping.

He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.

Priest: What can I do for you son?

Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died

Priest: Oh no I am so sorry

Me: The good news is my dog’s ok

Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.

his wife is probably gonna see that

All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church

Science is fun!

#nottrue

“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table

I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…

I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.

SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot

ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge

The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered

Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?

Yes.

I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?

[on a first date]

“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”

When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible

Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.