[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
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[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
i want the dreams to chase me for once
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid