If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
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9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.