Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]

She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen

Her: We’re having twins!

Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!

Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.

[Hair Salon]

Stylist: What would you like?

Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.

“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.

Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.

Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.

I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!

kinda fun if literal: earwigs

Every triangle is a love triangle when you love triangles

For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.

marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.

me: goo goo gah gah

marriage counselor: no.

DATE: I love playful women

ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-

[Police Line up]

Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off

Me:

Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’

People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time

School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?

*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*

*picks up frog*

*kisses it*

Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?

Me: oh thank god.

for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch

[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?

-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.

I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.

There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.

Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!

Hostage 1: No!

Hostage 2: Please! No!

Me: So…who gets to be the front?

When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.

*holding a hose*

Husband: What are you doing?

Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.

Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?

Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.

Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.

My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.

My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?

A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.