Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃

My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀

Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”

*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*

If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”

[at airport Subway]

One footlong before my flight to Zurich

“American or Swiss?”

I’m flying Swiss

“I mean for cheese?”

No, for business

Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.

*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*

Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!

ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship

PIRATE: …Aye

ME: 😊

P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya

My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.

God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years

Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.

Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.

[Takes dog to park]

*waits for romantic comedy to begin

“So here’s a bit ab how the interview process will work:

1. initial phone screening
2. in-person interview
3. American Ninja Warrior course
4. fight to the death

If you have any questions ab this or the low-paying, entry-level job opportunity, pls don’t hesitate to ask 🤗.”

My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?

Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out

*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”

I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

#HatDadJoke

HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling

There should be something just for fun on the ballot, like voting for the best flavor of ice cream . I think that would get a lot of people really excited to get involved

My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok

Me: so what does your husband do?

Her: he’s a dermatologist

Me: pore guy :/

Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible

[on Wheel of Fortune]

Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__

Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!

Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.

Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD

Buzzer: *beeps*

Studio audience: *groans*

You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.

*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW

I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like

I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.

me: i’m late

boss: again?

me: it’s yours

What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?

Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.