Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spent the entire day milking a single almond.

I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.

[at the gym]

GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.

holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV

When you pick your nose after dusting the house

In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.

SWAT: give up the hostages

RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that

Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again

He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos

My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.

Crisis averted, for now.

Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?

(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)

Me: I have shin splints

[Zombie Apocalypse]

Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: K

Mascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese

*dies*

Probably just poor graphic design…

Still not gonna drink from it.

[doing crossword]

Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks

Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.

my mom decorated the apartments for the cats

duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?

Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up

A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade

Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.

“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”

-yelp review

SON: What will happen when I die?

DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?

SON: YA-

DAD: You’re not a dog.

new dr. seuss book dropping:

Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?

An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google

I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.

when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell

Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?

Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.

Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*

a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”

Some people are like a ray of spray tan.