Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?

There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.

I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.

“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito

It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.

*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*

Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.

Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.

*hangs out at graveyard*

I like older men.

Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?

Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.

Me: There is now.

Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.

Alien: We come in peace

Human: Aw man, we hate that

me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂

noah: you did WHAT

Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.

*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*

*First Date*

Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.

Meow?

My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol

Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.

Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away

Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.

Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.

What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?

My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.

Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?

simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait

doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg

flamingo: i’ll manage

spider: same

snake: i have a question

We loved to call random numbers and say “I think your dog is on my porch.” If we got somebody who said “I don’t have a dog” then we would yell I DON’T HAVE A PORCH and hang up.

Shaking random people on the street shouting ARE YOU THE SHY SISTER is the 2024 cinderella

*gets in the bus*

*Brings out earphones*

*untangles*

*arrives*

My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.

me: it is lonely at the top.

therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’