Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels

I could never give up my dog, he knows too much

If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.

I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.

Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.

I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.

Today a coworker from another department was talking about her daughter, Haysleigh, and I guess I gave an eyebrow raise because she immediately said “like paisley but agricultural” then spelled it and I felt my soul leave my body

broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting

“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”

Where do turtledoves come from?

“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”

Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over

[being strapped to a medieval torture table]

“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”

A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.

Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.

BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula

“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”

Well I sure as shit felt better at 21 so imma call bullshit

[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]

the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah

My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.

* scratches *

Damn.

Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..

As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”

A small tragedy.

I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home

what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night

Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.

Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks

My brother and dad have been arguing over a broken PS1 since February 2000. My brother said my dad broke it one night drunk. Truth is my mate broke it claiming he knew how to chip it and I’ve never told anyone. My mum is on my brother’s side. Comes up at least 5 times a year.

me: please don’t be mad

getaway driver: what’s wrong

me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go

*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here

Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!

Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.

“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out

You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.

Allow me to slip into something more out the window.

Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid