[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
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If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
just learned that they put your last name on a pet’s prescription which means there are pharmacists out there who went to school for years just to dispense Zoloft to a Meatball Williams
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
I love it
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot