Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.

Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?

Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.

Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.

[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.

9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!

Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?

9: It matters for two minutes.

How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.

6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher

Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?

6: Chick-fil-A

“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journey

Punching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King

Why I divorced her.

The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture

Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁

My body is filled with a lot of blood!

Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?

Me: I’m…

Wife: … no

Me: a…

Wife: … don’t

Me: *stares at wife* master baster!

Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.

If you go back in time to 2009 and tell anyone Daniel Radcliffe & Jonathan Groff would become Tony winning besties they would probably be like “Wow 2024 is a magical place” & then you’d have to be like “Nah that’s like the one good thing.”

I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.

I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.

finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all

Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!

Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?

Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.

Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.

Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂

The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!

I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…

All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.

~inspirational tweet

Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.

me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design

wife: did you make a scene?

me: *crying* several

it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman

Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.

Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty

Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?

Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that

I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.

After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.