Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.

He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.

I sat back and watched it all unfold.

I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.

[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree

My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.

If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.

Mugger: Give me all your money!

Me: Ok

Mugger: *suddenly poorer*

*first year living alone*

Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what

Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.

Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume

Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird

Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months

Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing

I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.

First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is

The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.

In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot

Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.

God: you’re a dog.

Dog: nice!

God: the humans are gonna love you.

Dog: why?

God: well you have a lot in common.

Dog: really? do they have updog too?

God: what’s updog?

Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.

God: yep you’re just like them.

Dog: [tail wag].

next time i open up to someone is during surgery

When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out

A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.

Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.

[aliens making first contact]

Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses

I had a friend growing up who named his dog “dog”. He recently had a baby and I’m disappointed he didn’t do the same thing. Dog would be such a cool name for a baby.

You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?

I would throw myself under a duvet for you.

My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.

[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]

me: [reaching under couch] shit

murderer: let me try i have longer arms

me: you do not

murderer: do too. stand up

[we measure arm length]

me: wow

murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan

Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.

Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.

Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*

I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.

Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.