[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
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“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
women don’t pretend to dig for something in their purse and pull out their middle finger anymore
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”