Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”

WHAT DO WE WANT?

A NAP!!

THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?

My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.

I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco

My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.

So, I took her to Subways.

My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.

Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.

[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.

Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?

Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks

Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?

Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*

Wife: …you took out the trash

Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!

MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch

MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying

the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example

now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight

If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.

Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car

Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah

I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers

My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.

[a robber breaks into my house]

me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him

my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]

me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho

AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.

[watching This Is Us]

*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.

It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:

1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat

Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.

Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.

He challenged me to eat just one chip.

So I had two. Dozen.

i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years

I think I might have a shower.

*checks*

Yes, I have a shower.