[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
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True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
My dog after a walk in the woods.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.