[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
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I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Choosing the correct font is crucial…
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier