Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae

Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back

Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?

Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.

My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.

How soon into a new relationship should you let her know you’re an idiot

1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.

Quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not working

ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy

SATAN: holy shit

[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?

It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge

95% percent of forest fires are caused by someone walking in corduroy pants.

My boss just set a meeting for July  2024 and a little piece of me died.

7-year-old: You got a letter!

Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.

7: Not if you throw it away.

She’s my financial planner now.

ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?

WIFE: Google Earth

ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!

Social distancing in Australia:

*gets into canoe*

Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!

*gets out of canoe*

My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.

Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”

Just bought a universal remote control.

…I really wish, this changes everything..

Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.

Me: How much do I owe?

Gov’t: You have to figure that out.

Me: I just pay what I want?

Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.

Me: What if I get it wrong?

Gov’t: You go to prison

10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”

8: “That’s not a real year.”

20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists

30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn

40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people

[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking

Man: a pack of condoms please.

Cashier: would you like a paper bag?

Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.

Officer: Did u know your back light is out

Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage

I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.

ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?

me: one big skeleton please

clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s

me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please

Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume

[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive

therapist: what’s your greatest fear

me: randomly going blind

therapist: i see

me: but for how long?