Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.

[first day as a chef]

assistant: why is your hat squeaking

The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.

[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?

Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering

Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead

Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?

“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.

100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world

I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.

In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.

Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?

Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.

Me: I love you more than a flower loves the sun.

10: I love you more than a teenager loves her phone

“Wish You Were Beer!”

Wait…no…that’s right…send.

Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.

Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?

I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot

Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.

Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”

Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”

Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”

Everyone: *gasps*

My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.

Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.

Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people

Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave

[Valentine’s Day]

Me: I got you a bunch of flowers

GF: Thanks

Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too

told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately

my name is luke but my friends dont call me

jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg

The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror

me: will you please pass the bee barf?

wife: please stop calling the honey that.

It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story

I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning

dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok

They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’

*spills water on pants*

ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants

“hey what happ–”

MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL